Sitting in the car outside my little boy’s crèche about to drop him off.
Except that he’s just fallen asleep on me….
And while I look at him with loving eyes, my to do list for the day rushes through my mind.
Just 5 more minutes.
‘Don’t wake a sleeping baby’ they say.
He must really need it poor love.
But to be perfectly honest, I’m loving it, aren’t I? I am loving that he still needs me so much and that there’s no better place to fall asleep and feel safe than mama’s arms. I am loving that he is my highest priority. I am loving that he loves me back in every little smile and cuddle and yawn and sob and cough and laugh and I am loving that I’m most of this amazing little guy’s universe right now.
It won’t last. So I may look like a dedicated mom but don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely a bit selfish.
All that land. All that space. All those houses, all those people. All their thoughts. What are they thinking about? Everyone is busy thinking. They are caught up in their thoughts, their worries, their to-do lists. Some worry for their sick relative. Some dream of buying a new car. Some wonder if they will have something to eat tomorrow. Some wish they had a better looking body. All those thoughts, like so many indistinguishable conversations are all happening down there, in those houses, in those streets.
And from up here, all I can hear is the wind. Its long howling whistles as it swirls around the cliffs. And the birds, who throw themselves into its current, as if for a carefree adrenaline rush. Beyond the city, I see the vast ocean, its slow but unstoppable force, rising and setting with the tides. And if I look up a little more, I see the sun, this bright star of ours that gives us heat and powers life, busy busy life, on this space rock that we call home.
I sigh. This is good for the soul.
After a day of contemplation, I climb down from the mountain, ready to dive back into the noisy life of crowded thoughts and busy days. I remember the perspective from the top of that mountain, overlooking the city and the ocean and I keep going, aware of my little place in the Universe.
The relationship I have with my children is the most profound, transformative and empowering relationship I have ever experienced.
Of course, I love them more than I thought possible, and they have given me joy and happiness beyond imaginable expectation but it is more than that.
Like most, I have grown up trying to hobble through life despite all the issues I got from a childhood with imperfect parents. Those issues have shaped me more than I’d like to admit sometimes and I have fought and worked hard to control them. It was tough but I tend to think that I’ve done a pretty good job of it.
Now suddenly it is my turn to be a mother and I can finally live up to those promises I made to myself when I was my children’s age: never to forget what it is like to be a child, never to do to my children those things that were done to me and it is positively liberating, more healing than any therapy.
My kids have unlocked a supermama in me who has no time for mental scars and other handicaps. Because I promised them, some time when I was seven years old, and nine, and twelve, and fourteen, and sixteen and twenty-one, never to hurt them like I was hurt.
For the first time in my life I stand up for myself. For the first time, I am free of my own parents’ flaws and I welcome them as my kids’ grand parents. I was never one to hold grudges but I did get affected by people’s actions. Now I just let go of wrongs and remain intact. I have the peace I need to accommodate all that mother’s love I’m feeling.
Nothing has ever felt more meaningful.
And in gratitude to my children for having freed me from my childhood pains, I hope and I pray that I do indeed live up to those promises and never hurt them. Life will do that anyway, so let me be a haven of gentle, unconditional and non judgmental love for the two amazing little beings who have made me the person I always wished to be.